So that frightened woman decided to trust the signs and messages she was receiving, of which there began to be many. She could really feel deep inside her that a force was pushing her to move in that direction, one she didn't want but could understand. Universe, energy, God, destiny, the spirit of her father.
They always say to start at the beginning, don't they?
Beginning or end?
It depends on where you look at it, like everything else.
Today I can look at it with glasses of pink hearts, but when it all started I couldn't see anything else but myself lying like a ball in bed, for nights that felt eternal, which sometimes also turned into days. A ball of fear, desolation and the desire to be living in a fucking movie that can be turned off by a remote control, anything but my own life. The desire to wake up from a bad dream that had already become too much flesh, but still felt like madness. The strangeness of being at a crossroads; that feeling of being a witness, because your own life slips through your fingers too fast to recalculate.
That irrepressible desire to remove my mind, the questions and the anguish that overwhelmed me. That desire to be in another body, in any body other than my own.
But you see, everything has a beginning and an end, and here they were both.
Who am I?
Many things.
I could say that I am a world traveller, young with an old soul; A psychologist, an artisan, a musician, a teacher, a woman, a daughter and after India, a Yogi and a writer: a seeker. I could say that each of these parts forged since I was a child, a particular sensibility, a look and a constant search for my true self, which led me to undertake this decision with fear but also courage.
I could say many things, but for the purposes of these writings and to place you and myself in time, I would start by saying that I am a woman who left her home in Argentina to live the experience of living somewhere else. By the time she realized it, she had been living in the Nordic lands of Denmark for 4 years, with a completely different climate, culture and language. This woman learned to travel alone, to overcome difficulties and to work in many things that were not her official profession as a psychologist, until finally when she reached it, she realized that real happiness was not there either. Neither there nor in her last relationship of 4 years of love, of comings and goings, which had left her broken and which had been failing and at the same time was slowly consuming her. Neither there nor in living in another country, nor in walking through filmy streets or incredible landscapes. Neither there nor anywhere else. The important point is that she had been realising that happiness was no longer in her life and that perhaps it had been gone for a long time.
And almost like a bucket of cold water, she took the decision to take the biggest and most terrifying leap she had ever thought of: she decided for the first time to let go of control, that misguided control that was no longer taking her to happy places.
And after 34 years of building a certain "identity", once again, she had to open her eyes inwards and make room for what she didn't want: to realize that things were not going well, that her life was slipping away from herself, that she was no longer who she was and that her body, her appetite, her sleep and mental stability had been showing her that for a long time. I had to do something, but I didn't know what, I didn't know where else to look.
To add difficulty to the matter, an idea appeared, which had become an escape plan: to go to India, alone, for an indefinite time leaving what she had built, to see what destiny would give her there. She needed to find truths. Like an electric-shock and a slap in the face at the same time, to solve everything once and for all and to kick the board. She needed both.
And without much clarity, strength or timing, she left, with a one-way ticket in one hand, the renunciation of her old life in the other and a secret: she couldn't tell anyone about this decision, not even her mother, who was her whole family. It was too risky for everyone, and this account was hefty and so personal, so she would carry it at her own expense. She was going to be really alone in this. And, wait, the funniest part is that she didn't even really want to go to India, but her soul had already dissociated from herself without her knowing it, she had connected with forces bigger and more powerful than her mind. She had outgrown her body.
She was as terrified, angry and desolate as she had ever been in her life, but the call was so real that she couldn't help it, because that would have been the greatest betrayal of herself that she could never forgive. And even though she was scared shitless and utterly fragile, she was still a warrior and she chose to believe.
Paradoxically, that form of battle was one I had never fought before. It was the opposite of what I had always done: simply stop fighting for what I "wanted", and let go of control. What mothers and society don't teach us. That not all battles are won with swords and blood. That sometimes you have to run from the battlefield when that fight is not the right one and let go, even if that has been the same battle that has sustained us for so long. And withdraw, with the love necessary to be able to see the other path that opens up. To surrender to that stubbornness that made us slaves and open another door.
There was her challenge.
So that frightened woman decided to trust the signs and messages she was receiving, of which there began to be many. She could really feel deep inside her that a force was pushing her to move in that direction, one she didn't want but could understand. Universe, energy, God, destiny, the spirit of her father.
So she flew to India, the land of wisdom and the thousand gods, the place where she felt she could find some truth that would bring her back to the path, to some way, because she felt completely lost.
And she jumped, she just jumped.
Through my writing I share the travel story of that woman, which is myself. I share my "leap into the void", which in my case took this form, but I don't think it is much further from all those leaps, small or big, that many of us have to make sometime in life. Those that put you at a big crossroads, in that place of the emptiness of answers, in that loneliness that is so terrifying even if you are in company.
In each personal story the elements will be different, they will have other faces and forms, but they will probably lead us to an outcome that we must go through to find our own truth and let our true uniqueness emerge, our own true path.
Questions, mandates, challenges, Karmas, and a process of liberation, which I am sure will resonate with those who read it, as they are nothing more than the questions we all ask ourselves on this journey that is life.
Full of fear at times, Spartan warrior at others, and with the vicissitudes of the middle ground, which is probably where the learning comes from, we keep walking because we have faith that there is something more. Everyone will put there what their heart feels, but how beautiful to allow ourselves to feel.
Fears shared with others are less strange, they become kinder and less monstrous. The complicity of not being alone in these pains allows us to laugh a little at them and free them behind that mask where we enclose them. Perhaps, at some point, we will no longer need masks to hide what should not be hidden.
Hopefully my lines can accompany you in your own processes to learn to feel less alone in this search.
Thank you for giving me your eyes to accompany you and thank you for accompanying me with them. How nice to share the vulnerabilities that inhabit us to discover together new possible paths.
Thank you Riley for making this platform a home for all of us to inhabit.
Here is my Website, my stories and how it all began.
Namaste ♡
https://chroniclesthroughindia.com/2023/07/29/introduccion-2/
