“You know I love you, and you know I accept you as you are, but…”
“I know,” he replied to his sweet love that stands in the door way to the real world. “I know you love me for who I am, I try too, but sometimes I make it extremely difficult. I try and accept me because I know that’s the only way to evolve but sometimes I feel like a tree with a pestering squirrel in its branches and the only way to get him out is to shake him. Sometimes I just hate me so much and I don’t even know it. But I look at my actions and I must. And I don’t want to hurt you, but changing for you isn’t enough, because then ill just become you.”
“I don’t want you to change because of me, I fell in love with the person who didn’t know me.”
He lay in the bed with a soft cock after a morning of masturbation and self loathing. Sexual energy was his main source of energy and it had been extremely corrupted by all the lures of life. There his true love stood in her scrubs after nightshift as a nurse. She had moved out recently. She loved him more than anyone but herself. The decision to create space was akin to putting on your oxygen mask first before helping another as the plane went down.
“To change feels impossible,” he said.
“Maybe thinking you need to change is what is keeping you still,” she replied.
“But, for you, life seems easy, like the world was made for people like you. Who can get out of bed. Who can maintain a personality. Who can build something without the constant temptation to destroy it.”
“Do you think you're more free than me?”
“No.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“I don’t know.”
He put his head into the pillow. The bed was like a giant monster who sucked energy from him rather than give it. She sat on the edge of his demise, conscious of all the excrement that’s found its way on to her light purple uniform. She had a thought, but did not speak it, the thought was, At the hospital I get paid to look after people, here I pay for it.
“It is not freedom to wallow in sorrow,” said she. “You judge others for being attached to loving what they love, but you're attached to loving what you hate.”
His pride brewed and he wanted to bite but he had already put all of his energy onto his stomach, so he stayed silent.
“I cant do this anymore,” she said. “I truly love you and I want to help you, I do, but my help only hinders you and I need to let you go. I will do anything for you, even this, which is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I have never been so happy and safe, so comfortable and myself like I have been with you. But we are chasing a memory now. We are like two rotten rose pedals sitting on the pavement.”
With his boring miserable head still on the pillow he listened to her talk and felt an ease of pressure. That if she finally leaves he can be miserable without the guilt, just his own comfortable shame.
“Can you say something?” she asked.
His green eyes left the darkness and found themselves looking into hers.
“You are right. I am not going to stop you. I would do anything for you too, you know that.”
She interrupted, “No you wouldn’t. Don’t say that. We were doing a good job being honest, lets not change now.”
“I would do anything for you,” he said.
“You cant even get out of bed for me, what do you mean you would do anything?”
“I would do anything, even let you leave.”
Leaning over she put her hand on his face and kissed him on the forehead. The energy that moved him brewed as he smelt her hair, felt her breath. He put his hand on her cheek softly and again looked into each others eyes. He kissed her. She resisted then kissed him back. Slowly opening her mouth. He could tell everything by the way she kissed. The way her tongue moved. How much saliva she gave. How wide she opened her mouth. How much she tilted her neck. How heavy she breathed. All of this awakened his reckoning that goes by the name of cock. He put his hand on her shirt that has seen bile and blood of sick men. Untucked her to feel her skin. The naked body full of bones found life now, found excitement, found reason. Then suddenly, all the anticipation of a future of presence diminished as she pushed herself from him and stood back beside the bed. She started crying.
“I just cant,” she said.
“That’s okay,” he assured. “Just sit, we can talk.”
And whether he knew this or not, his entire motive now was to have sex with her. He would endure all of her woes and philosophies, he would say exactly what she wanted to hear or what she didn’t, he would even convince himself that he is a good man, a proper man, a man who truly loves her. Then, once that energy leaves with all its euphoria he would sink into a realisation she is just a woman, and he is just a typical dumb animal.
“I have to go, I am meeting Mum for a coffee. Please, look after yourself. I will call you in a week or so, but until then, lets just have a break.”
Now he knew he wasn’t going to have sex with her and like a child not getting a toy at the store he felt his insides rage with ridiculous emotions. He had conditioned himself with the aid of the world to only feel by having sex or not having sex. He put his head back on to that pillow. Like a fat Labrador laying on its bed.
“Goodbye, I love you,” she said.
He didn’t reply. The door closed. Her car started. He only knew how to please girls physically, so when she left, so did he.
