To walk in the unmanifest, in the heart of another and step on glass, and instead of crying you ask if they are okay because there is so much broken glass within them, well, that may be love.
There is a long heading for you, it is a line I wrote whilst looking at the orange of the sky, whilst looking at the beauty of nature that causes me to awe and feel bored. Should we talk about love?
I don’t see anything else more worthy… yet love is something, so worthy, that it should not be spoken about but just expressed.
I have spent weeks or days or years writing fiction. Truth has more room to run there and now as things slow down, as I grow nearer to myself I can write the simple truth as what it is. Tonight I sat on the beach and for the first time since Ayelen left I watched the sunset without it making me feel jealous of the past. I watched it with all the voices inside my head, my fat feet playing with the sand between its toes, the orange began to smirk at me. I read Kurt Vonnegut and it makes me smile, the way she did. When she was here, I was the luckiest man alive, and now she is gone, I am just a man again, and despite what the world says, that is not so bad.
There was a storm, a dust storm and a hurricane that rolled over the dunes to take me. For the first time since being somewhat conscious, I rode with the storm like a journalist who could not get wet. Of course, the emotions speak through you and you lay in that sand covered bed in the morning and search for life, search for the past, search for the future, and it all comes out as words. Instead of falling into a pit of depression, my awareness stayed with my consciousness and together they danced, together they created. To love without corruption, for me, at this point in time, takes a daily cleaning, takes a sacrifice of the ego and it’s left with nothing but a smile of the heart. Time walks in the door when she walks out and reminds me I'm mortal. All love is self love and you continue to understand the obvious as you dance so hilariously towards death. Ayelen is the first person who consciously, or subconsciously wants the same thing as me, and that is freedom. Not to disparage other women or men, I know we all want freedom, but to want it for others too, to walk in the unmanifest in the heart of another and step on glass, and instead of crying you ask if they are okay, because there is so much broken glass within them, well, that may be love.
To love unconditionally is scary. To let go. To feel that way from deep within rather than knowing you should feel that way and having your nature fight against you. To have everyone on board, that together you have created something sacred, a trust that you both want to walk your own path and the appreciation that those paths have come together. Onwards they go, in different directions. To not have your insecurities create a new narrative that conspires against her because she is not aiding your desires. Well, my desires are coming along with me. I wrote in a drunken stupor a line that’s intention stemmed from someone else, but in hindsight lands on a truth I was not ready for yet.
I hope when I am at your wedding, I am welcome on both sides of the aisle.
What this meant, as I type with little koala like sweat bubbles on my scarred forehead, is that I will love her like this at any capacity. That I will even love the man she loves if that’s what happens. That I will protect the sacred and trust no matter where our paths venture. This is not some cowardly act to prevent yourself from getting hurt, to stop yourself from seeing through the illusion of control, to mitigate damage that whispers through anxiety and a hard beating heart. This is to say, you go your way, I will go my way, and I hope they land in the same place, but if they do not, I will always love you.
Is the author just talking shit? to sound romantic and free, the narcissist has become emotionally intelligent and uses it to get what he wants… Maybe, I am keeping an eye on that too. But it is my pursuit, the pursuit of freedom, from my past and my future, to find peace within chaos, to know I have more than anything to sift through already, to not grasp what comes now, and whatever mental restrains I put on anyone, whether enforced or not, I am only putting on myself.
Time swirls back and forth and you find the position of Neptune affecting your thought patterns, yet you sit a little far away, still hearing the conversations, then nodding your head with your lips in an upside-down smile saying, “Interesting.”
To learn how to love, is life. To learn how to become best friends with your soul, is love. I drink cold coffee and load my pipe, hit my pipe with transcendental music playing loudly in my cabin, I do my yoga sequence and speak with my soul, then I do a fifty-minute meditation with the underlying attention to let go.
After thirty minutes of bullshit the voice in the meditation says, “And what perception do you have that you wish to get rid of?”
And I think, with my legs crossed and eyes closed, somewhere between here and everywhere, no where and home, and I reply, “All of them.”
I think to myself, that I want to let go of what is not serving me, to my body, my mind, my soul, everyone involved, and I surrender with faith that someone knows better than me, that I don’t have to understand to let go, that every cell in my body is holding on to something they know they should probably let go of now, because it has just become a chore. In the deepness of the meditation I see Ayelens brown eyes and a smile, and I think of the times we laid together naked in the early hours of the morning and I could feel our bodies melt into one like two universes dancing and forgetting they are separate, forgetting everything.
If I can see everyone like her, as she was once a stranger, then the compassion in my heart can overflow and wisdom can have trust to whisper itself to me, knowing it will not corrupt me. Of course, I am an animal, divinity that needs to piss and drink water and walk and all those annoying basic needs, and I let go of the leash, in trust the beast just wants the same as the soul. I watch the wild horse walk towards the cowboy, tired of fighting, ready for love, ready to trust, knowing there is freedom in the choice to surrender.
As I let go, I watch my fear of success reach for a handshake. I shake his hand, of course, and then I observe him.
To start the website, to put yourself out there, I have spent so long thinking that it is me against the world, what if the world actually supports me, then what will motivate me to write?
Well, nothing, and I let go of all of that too, the hopes of a future, and even though I have a fragile understanding of everything, deep down, somewhere, I know that everything will be better than I could possibly imagine. Enough in the archives to have the faith that when things don’t work out, they work out better.
Lets have a toast, for a young man fell in love, and stood tall still in love, still falling, and he can feel the purity of his heart without pretending to, he can wish for the best for everyone, knowing that his relationship with life, his relationship with his soul, is only getting stronger. And it may be bullshit, sure, everything is, but tonight, lets say cheers my friends, for we are free, free to dance, to run, to sleep, to write, free to love and love, free to laugh, and I do laugh, I laugh again and again, these thoughts, so funny. So cheers my friends, the storms have allowed the garden to blossom, and we enjoyed the rain, it was all just the same, we didn’t know it was different until hindsight, and we stopped looking back whenever we could.
